Mall Frenzy
by batman100
Summary: Shopping at the mall is usually dismal and quiet, nothing weird. In the X-Men's case, it results in a glorious flood of mayhem


**Mall Frenzy**

**The disclaimer saying that I do not own X-Men: Evolution has been buried under a huge mountain of insurance/auto claims or shopping bills, blah blah blah. Thought I'd come up with an idea of what would result if the X-Men went shopping? I think we know what's gonna come outta this, anyway. Without further ado, here's the story! Enjoy!**

"Are we there yet?" Pyro asked Jean excitedly from the back seat of the X-Van

"So help me Pyro, if you even ask that one more time, I'll put duct tape over your mouth!" Jean hissed, trying to concentrate on the frenzied traffic on the road

"I dunno if that's gonna work, Jean. Last time we duct-taped Pyro's yap, he burnt it off with a fire-flavored piece of bubble gum." Remy remarked

"Hey! That gum was my last piece… though it was rather tasty." Pyro stated, licking his chops while slobbering over Logan's hair

"What the hell do **I** look like, a Chia plant?!" Logan grunted, wiping off the slobber

"Ok, we're here! Everybody out!" Jean ordered, parking the car with a loud screeching noise before hustling everyone out of the van

"What about my lottery tickets?" Pyro asked, holding a wad of lottery tickets. Jean then snatched them from his hand "HEY!"

"We'll handle that **later**." Jean growled, revealing her fangs

"Um… have you considered brushing your teeth? They do look a little URKK!" Pyro gasped as Jean savagely strangled him

"Should we help him?" Rogue sarcastically asked Scott, as he was watching in amusement while Jean throttled Pyro like a large Venus flytrap

"Nah, he's doing fine." Scott wryly commented before entering the mall with Peter, Kitty, Logan and the rest of the group

"Hey! Don't leave me here with these two!" Rogue hollered, catching up with them just as Principal Kelly exited the pharmacy, unaware of the sight that befell him

"What in the name of Moses is going on here?" Principal Kelly asked to himself, strolling up to the squabbling Pyro and Jean "Excuse me, ma'am?"

Jean then released Pyro, and with a seductive look replied, "Yes, handsome?" as Kelly looked extremely flabbergasted over Jean's beauty

"Um, er, uh…" Kelly stammered as Jean ran her fingers down his necktie "Mmmm, velvet blue. I love a man who dresses so…. fashionably." Jean purred, stroking Kelly's hair, her fangs slowly opening wide.

"Whoa, hey I kinda like this, uh, who…who are you?" Kelly blubbered excitedly, his hands moving toward the back of Jean's shirt unnoticed

"Why not do it now and say we didn't, hot stuff?" Jean cackled, motioning a completely lovesick Kelly to the photo booth

"Golly gee, I thought you'd never ask!" Kelly guffawed loudly, beating his chest like a maniacal Tarzan before Jean's hand grabbed hold of his necktie and yanked him in the booth

"Oy, that's gonna hurt in the morning…" Pyro groaned, rubbing his head before getting his tickets and heading into the mall

Meanwhile, in the menswear section…

"Trust me Peter, this is gonna look awesome." Scott said as Peter was trying on some Italian suits in the menswear dressing room

"You sure these pants don't make my calves look fat?" Peter sheepishly asked as Victor cackled uproariously

"What the hell's with **you**, Creed?" Logan snorted as Victor banged his fist on the door in amusement

"Man… his fat calves… that would be flat-out HILARIOUS!" Victor guffawed loudly, rolling on the floor in hysterics

"Yeah, ha-ha-ha, very funny." Scott replied sarcastically before looking around "Hey, where the heck's Jean?" when a loud scream echoed from the lobby

"Here comes the answer to that question." Logan moaned as Jean approached them with a huge smile on her face, dragging a completely comatose Kelly, hair frazzled, pants unzipped, and a large, ridiculous grin plastered on his face

"Jean? Um… what did you do?" Remy asked curiously

"Yeah, and more to the point, why the bloody hell is this mutant-hating **asshole** doing here?!" Logan snapped "And why does he have that stupid look on his face?"

"Oh, you are totally **not** gonna believe this…" Jean giggled bubbily

"What are you saying, Red? Did you do something with this schmuck?" Logan asked feistily as Jean grinned deviously, as Scott's and Remy's eyes went wide in horror

"Oh…Mein…Gott." Kurt gasped

"You've GOT to be kidding me" Rogue stammered

"You **DIDN'T**!" Logan roared savagely, sheathing his claws as Scott and Remy tried to strain him from attacking Jean

"Let's just say Kelly and I had a little…" Jean purred, whispering the rest in Rogue's ear. She absorbed the information until she realized **what** Jean was talking about

"you did **WHAT!**" Logan screamed in horror

"In the **PHOTO BOOTH?!**" Remy gasped

"Ugh-uh-er-er, uh-blugh, gubar, materi" Scott babbled incoherently, his pupils shrinking even smaller

"Yep. Now Kelly no longer hates mutants." Jean replied, with love hearts in her eyes

"I swear to god Jean, you are the most **INSANE** mutant woman I have **EVER**, EVER been near with!" Logan hollered as Jean started cackling amusingly

"IN YOUR FACE, MAGSY!" Jean taunted insanely, mooning a wanted poster of Magneto to the X-Men's amazement

"Oh my God, that's **so** disgusting!" Rogue grimaced in embarrassment

"Hahahahaha! YOU TELL THAT OLD BUCKET-BRAIN, JEAN!" Scott cackled maniacally, before somersaulting over the clothing sections

"Ok… It's official. These two have gone completely off the deep end." Logan moaned, rubbing his forehead

"Heh. It was pretty **damn** funny when Jean mooned Magneto!" Bobby guffawed

"SHUT IT ASSHOLE!" Logan grouched before extending a claw at the rest of the X-Men "I want you grunts to never, ever, **EVER** under any circumstances to **NEVER** speak of this incident to **ANYONE** in the mansion, or your butts are MINE! Have I made myself **PERFECTLY CLEAR!**" Logan bellowed, foam flowing out of his mouth as he stared down an equally petrified Remy

"Y-y-y-y-yes sir." Bobby stuttered before Logan grasped his throat

"I don't think I heard that. Let me hear you! SING, BOY! Sing like an effing YAK!" Logan grouched as Bobby's eyes went wider

"Yes…Mr. Logan" Bobby rasped, his eyes turning white "That's better." Logan grumbled, letting Bobby loose before grabbing a Marlboro out of the icebox and started gulping it down

"So…what do we do with Scott and Jean **now**?" Remy asked as Scott and Jean's deranged laughter echoed through the food section

"Uh… get them some caffeine to you know, sedate them?" Rogue asked sheepishly as the X-Men turned their heads at her direction "What?"

"Eh, what the hell. Let's get the two loons some soda." Remy joked, he and the X-Men heading off, with Logan now guzzling down two Guinness bottles

"Well, **this** has been a fun shopping day." Rogue grumbled, as Peter slowly exited the dressing room, his eyes shifted to Scott and Jean's wild antics

"Um… Rogue, did I… **miss** anything?" Peter sheepishly asked, watching Jean spray-paint over a wanted poster of Mystique

"Peter…Why don't you do me a favor and let this be our 'little' secret, hm?" Rogue asked, her fingers emphasizing on little

"All right." Peter responded. _Boy there's been a lot of these crazy pranks going on around here. Next thing I know they'll do a cartoon. _Peter thought to himself


End file.
